How to Kill a Lion

Here are few tips on "How to Kill a Lion" - A compilation and a few originals

Science and Technology:

Newton’s Method:Let, the lion catch you. For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction.
Implies you caught the lion

Einstein’s Method:Run in the direction opposite to that of the lion.
Due to higher relative velocity, the lion will also run faster and will get tired soon.
Now you can trap it easily.

Schrodinger Method:At any given moment, there is a positive probability of the lion being in the cage.
So set the trap, sit down and wait.

Inverse Transformation Method:Place a spherical cage in the forest and enter it.
Perform an inverse transformation with respect to lion. Lion is in and you are out.

Thermodynamic Procedure:We construct a semi-permeable membrane which allows everything to pass through except lions.
Then sweep the entire forest with it.

Integration Differential Method:Integrate the forest over the entire area.
The lion is some where in the result.
So differentiate the result PARTIALLY w.r.t lion to trace out the lion

Software Engineer Method:Catch a cat and claim that your testing has proven that its a Lion.
If anyone comes back with issues tell that you will upgrade it to Lion.

Police and their Ilk:

Indian Police Method:catch any animal and interrogate it to accept that its a Lion.

KGB:
Mix plutonium in what ever the Lion intakes.

British Police (General Dwyer):
Put the lions in an arena (like Jalianwalla Bagh) and keep shooting until there are no more lions alive.

Famous Personalities:

Santa Singh Method:
Drink poison
Let Lion eat you
Lion is also killed!!!!!

George Bush Junior's method:
Tell CIA to link the lion to Al Qaida
Sent Lion to Jail (Gitmo)
Torture the Lion
Shoot the Lion!!

Corporations/Companies:

East India Company:
Cage the Lion and send it to London by ship with no food or water, make it a slave for some white rat.

EDS Way:
Join EDS as a Lion, they will treat you as a tiger,
When you realize they will show the example of their
Older tigers of Chennai Jungle struggling to become Lion since years...
You will die in Queue of waiting

TCS method:
Hire a lion
Give him hell a lot of work and pay him government salary
Lion dies of hunger and frustration

Kanbay Method:
Hire a Cat; give him a salary of a Lion...
Give him work of 3 Lions
Tell him to work late and even on weekends...
No time for food and family, automatically die

Infosys method1:
Hire a lion and ask him to meow like a cat...
He will die eventually of frustration...

COSL Method:
Hire a lion.
Tell him to merge with Goats (Polaris software) and reduce his allowance...
Lion dies from fear that tomorrow he might become a goat....

Silverline Method:
Hire a lion, declare a scandal and don't pay him...
He dies of hunger...

Quinnox method:
Hire the lion. Either give him no work or ask for a premature delivery.
Lion either dies of boredom or intense physical & mental activity...

Patni method:
Hire a lion, give him a salary of a cat...
The lion dies before joining....

Nucsoft method:
Hire a lion.
Give him job of grass eating (IBBS Support).
The lion dies from lack of eating meat...

Satyam method:
Hire a lion, give him net access..
No work..
And deport him to Chennai centre...
No water..
No electricity..
No Hindi speaking ppl...
Lion dies in oblivion......

Wipro method:
Hire a lion...
Give him lots of work...
Transfer him to Wipro Lights division..
Lion dies due to Lightness...

Mastek method:
Hire a lion...
Ask him to align himself with anything and everything...
Ask him to fill complicated competency forms...
Differ increments and pay him salary of a cat...
Lion dies due to fear of getting misaligned or starvation...

Caritor Method:
Hire a lion...
Ask him to stay at work..
Give him vegetables to eat...
Hire 10 more lions
Give them vegetables to eat
Hire 20 more

Infotech Method:
Hire a lion at CAT salary
Tie with a Belt
Request lion to wait until belt breaks
Send Lion to US/UK
Put One more Belt
Lion Runs away(Abscond) in fear of death.

Cognizant Method: hire a lion... ask him to stay for late nights but give him no work to do. Give him Gobi 65 to eat again and again. Hire 100 more lions but do not increases the space to sit give them same Gobi 65 to eat hire 200 more....... and more....... Kanbay Method:Hire a Cat; give him a salary of a Lion...Give him work of 3 LionsTell him to work late and even on weekends...No time for food and family, automatically dieIBM metbod:Hire a lion; give him a pink slip in an hour...He dies of unemployment...Syntel Method:Hire a Cat ...Assure him that he will eventually become a Lion once he reaches onsite.
And make sure that he never reaches onsite.Cat dies in hope of becoming a Lion....MBT method:Hire the lion.
Make him take 14 tests and tell him that if he doesn't score > 60% he will lose the job.Lion dies of the strain?i-Flex method:Hire a lion??? Oops cow.
Tell him he is a lion.
Send him in African safari for implementing flex cube in god forbidden territoriesTell him if he comes alive he will get band movement (promotion)Holy cow dies in fear of the real lionPolaris Method :Hire….. Sorry....purchase a lion (COSL)...Change his timings... (Instead of 9 AM ...change it to 8:30 AM)cut down his allowance (coupons etc)Lion dies from fear of becoming CAT.....Accenture Method:Hire a lion....Send him to ChennaiAsk him to stay on bench for a long timeAsk him to eat Edli, Dosa and Vada No water...No Hindi speaking ppl...No good foodand say him "Go ahead be a Tiger".Lion dies in confusion he is Tiger or lion......Accel Frontline Method: Hire a lion.....Give him an electronic appraisal.Ask him to wait for a week.Give a paper with decrement after 5 months. with effect from next month.Tell some story...And ask him to wait for another one year.HP Method: Hire a small (fresher) lion.....Give free meals.Ask him to take less salary.Give a Certificate and some extra money as best lion for this month so every lion try to work more, even on holidays.So automatically lion dies by doing extra work for lion of the month.
Stars/Sports Stars

Ramarajan Method (some Tamil actor):Remove the make-up and put it over lion. The lion will die notwithstanding that heavy weight.

Jayalalitha Method:Send Police commissioner Muthukaruppan around 2AM and kill it, while it’s sleeping !

Manirathnam Method (director):Make sure the lion does not get sun light and put the lion in a dark room with a single candle lighted. Keep murmuring something in its ears. The lion will be highly irritated and commit suicide.
Karan Johar Method (director):Send a lioness into the forest. our lion and lioness fall in love with each other. Send another lioness in to t he forest, followed by another lion. First lion loves the first lioness and the second lion loves the 2nd lioness. But 2nd lioness loves both lions. Now send another lioness(third) into the forest. You don’t understand right…ok….read it after 15 yrs, then also u wont!

Yash Chopra method (director):Take the lion to Australia or US.. and kill it in a good scenic location.

Govinda method:Continuously dance before the lion for 5 or 6 days.

Rahul dravid/Ravi Shastri method:Ask the lion to bowl at u. You bat for 200 balls and score 1 run.
Menaka Gandhi method:Save the lion from a danger and feed him with some vegetables continuously.
George bush method:Link the lion with Osama Bin Laden and shoot him.

Rajnikanth method:
Keep warning the lion that u may come and attack anytime.
The lion will live in fear and die soon in fear

Kamalahasan method:
Go near the lion
Cry like anything....
Lion will die of sorrow!

Manirathnam method:
Make sure the lion does not get sun light
Keep murmuring something in its ears
The lion will be highly irritated and commit suicide



Govinda method:
Continuously dance before the lion for 5 or 6 days
Lion dies of boredom

Countries and Cultures:

Japanese Old Nationalist way:Brain wash the Lion into believing that his act was not worthy of his stature, and the Lion will automatically commit Hara-Kiri.

Pakistani Way: Blame the Lion of adultery and commit mass rape.

American Dream: Brainwash and sell the Lion huge mortgages.Once the Lion comes to senses, it will either declare Bankruptcy and cease its existence in that form or commit suicide.